The Worst Of All
by Belladonna Malfoy
Summary: I can't possibly sit you down and tell you that all my love has been given away to him, that I have none left for you. -Draco... (One-shot, HD and DB slash. Angst, drama, sadness.)


**Title:** The Worst Of All

**Disclaimer:** Mine they are not, dream a girl can.

**Summary:** I can't bring myself to tell you that I'll never have room in my heart for you, that I'll never be able to love you, like you love me. I can't possibly sit you down and tell you that all my love has been given away to him, that I have none left for you. -Draco

**A/N:** One-shot, character death, sadness and lots of angst and drama. Please review if you have time. Poems are mine, do not steal them. This is slash. There will be implied Harry/Draco and Draco/Blaise.

………………………………………………………………………

_I lay awake at night_

_Heart pounding in my chest_

_So afraid of the dark_

_No one to keep me safe_

I'm so high up here and it's hard to breathe. I'm suffocating slowly and I can't think of anything else, but you. You, with you're strong, safe arms wrapped around me. You, with you're breath on my neck, sending shivers down my spine. You, with you're sweet, melodious voice, whispering softly in my ear. I can't seem to get close enough to you. I just want to melt into you, join you're soul, you're heart, you're mind and body. Until I can't tell where one of us ends and the other begins, until we are one.

_I wish you were here_

_To hold me in your arms_

To fight away my fears 

But then you begin to fade, out of my reach, and I try to pull you back, I try to scream and tell you not to go, but my voice is caught in my throat, and you go anyway. I feel so cold without you're arms around me. I feel so lost, so hopeless, so sad and lonely. The wind whips around me and it feels like it's going to blow me away.

_I try to bare the pain_

_After every hit I take_

_But the tears fall anyway_

_And I wonder why I bother_

And I start to fall, fall, fall, back to a harsh reality, back to a horrible, uncaring place without you. My pillow is wet and the smell of fresh tears cling to my sheets. I wipe my eyes and try to sleep; I try to let the oblivious darkness take me. I try to slip into the blissful world of ignorance. But I can almost still feel your arms around me, your breath on my neck. I can almost still hear your intoxicating voice, whispering indefinable words that I can't seem to remember. I miss you Harry. I miss you so much.

_I wish you were here_

_To help me stand_

_To kiss away my tears _

_And I know_

_I'd never wish again _

…………………………………………………………………………

_And I'll destroy you_

_Cause who you are _

_Isn't good enough for me _

I look down at you. You're black hair surrounding your face like an ironic halo, your emerald eyes that were never green enough for me. I feel you beneath me. I can see the love in your eyes and it makes me sick. When will you ever learn Blaise?

_I'll break you're dreams_

How can you possibly go on, oblivious to my true intentions? How can you ignore the way I just screamed out his name, while I dragged my nails down your back, riding out my orgasm?

_Cause what you wish for_

_Isn't what I desire_

I can see the love in your eyes after the passion passes and the tears are running down my cheeks as I whisper his name in my head, over and over again, so it becomes a mantra. You smile at me and nod as if I've just given you the best gift in the world.

_I'll completely shatter _

_You're former image_

How can you be so naive and innocent, believing that I love you? How can you lie there and pretend that everything is fine, that I'm crying tears of joy, that it's your name that's running through my head?

_And I'll put the pieces _

_Back together _

_In a different way_

_My own way_

I can't blame you though, cause I pretend too. I can't find it in my heart to shatter your dreams and replace them with reality. I can't bring myself to tell you that I'll never have room in my heart for you, that I'll never be able to love you, like you love me. I can't possibly sit you down and tell you that all my love has been given away to him, that I have none left for you.

_I'll create you again _

_I'll carve a fantasy_

And sometimes...sometimes I feel guilty for using you to dim the pain; the pain that not having him has brought. I guess...I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

_I'll mould you_

_Till you're near perfection_

_Until you've become him_

_And maybe then _

_I'll be able to love you_

……………………………………………………………………………

_All around, my emotions flow_

_To pain, sadness or the end_

_Their shining lights stay aglow_

_To make you live again_

I can see the disgust in your cold, grey eyes as you look down at me. Your blonde hair shines in the streams of sun coming through the curtains of our bed. No, not our bed, cause they was never a 'we'.

I'll laugh, to keep you going While I cry for you inside 

_I'll be here if you need me_

_I'll stand right by your side_

Tears are running down your cheeks and I pretend they're tears of joy. I pretend I didn't hear the name you just screamed out in a fit of ecstasy. I pretend that same name isn't running through your head right now. I smile up at you, hiding the pain the truth brings. I know I'm not him Draco, but could you let me forget that, could you let me dream, just for a little while at least?

_With haste my fantasies run_

_To darkness, folly or a sin_

_Their burning fires light the Sun_

_With strength I can't comprehend _

You'll never be mine, I know. You'll never love me because you have no more love in your heart. You gave it all away to him, and when he died….your love, your heart and your entire soul died with him.

_I'll close my eyes, and forget reality_

_I'll dream for you, of summer days _

_I'll sleep awhile, a little longer _

_And I'll keep the Sun ablaze _

I'm not naïve. I know your using me. I've seen you do it to so many others in the past, before him. After he came into your life I don't ever remember you using him or even cheating on him. You loved him with all your heart and I can't help but be jealous, but I still don't let you see it.

_I'll smile, to keep you happy_

_I'll dream for you each night _

_I'll wish on every star I see_

_And I'll pray you'll be all right_

I don't blame you though, for doing this to me. I forgive you. I guess I can get by with pretending for now.

_With trust I give you my heart _

_May it be broken, twisted or bent_

_I'll be behind you from the start_

_And right to the very end_

I guess I can be your slave. I guess I can love for the both of us.

_I'll love, so you don't need to_

_I'll let you choose the rules_

_You treat it like the game it should be_

_And I'll hope you never lose_

…………………………………………………………………………

The loose cement digs into my bare feet, but I can't feel it, not really. I'm barely an inch away from the edge, and it's exhilarating, exciting, stupid and dangerous, but I just can't seem to get enough.

_You've been here before_

_Hidden inside my thoughts_

_You've gone now_

_And my mind is blank_

_I've missed you _

_Since you went away_

I look down and there are people standing around. Maybe they're waiting to see if I jump. Maybe they are expecting entertainment. Maybe it hasn't registered yet, that I, a tiny speck in a sea of stars, have the power to take my own life. Or maybe they just don't care that my brains will be splattered on the pavement in a few moments. Maybe they don't give a second thought to the fact that I, a mortal human being, will be a mere faceless bloody pulp on the asphalt any second. Who would care, really, if Draco Malfoy jumped?

_I've seen you before_

_Deep in my eyes_

_You've gone now_

_And my eyes are empty_

_I've missed you _

_Since you went away_

Maybe they don't realize that I won't hear the people's gasps, their sympathetic looks, or the resounding echo of their screams as I hit the ground. Maybe they haven't grasped the fact that I, an insignificant tear in the ocean, will have a heart that is dead, when theirs still beats. Maybe they don't know that I won't see how they are so alive when I'm not. Or even when I am. Maybe they can't see me laughing at those thoughts, cause I'm up here so high.

_I've heard you before_

_Whispering to my heart_

_You've gone now_

_And my heart is cold_

_I've missed you_

_Since you went away_

A gleeful shout travels to my ears from nowhere.

"Come on, do us a favor and jump already!"

Or maybe, they want to see me go.

And that makes me laugh harder.

_Okay_, and I say it with a smile.

I move a bit closer to the edge, and I can smell the crowds' anticipation.

_I've felt you before_

_Stroking my soul_

_You've gone now _

_And my soul is numb_

_I've missed you _

_Since you went away_

A voice that seems so far away, orders me to step back and wait, saying that committing suicide won't solve anything. I know that voice. Blaise. He of all people should know that I have to do this. He should know why I'm doing this and whom I'm doing this for. He should know that I cant live without my heart any longer. Besides, I brought nothing but pain to Blaise, he'll be better off without me. And I'm thinking this, even as I see him put his face in his hands and drop to his knees.

So I smile at him and the people down below.

My right leg feels so light as I lift it over the edge, feeling how the force of nothingness emanates from the ground, rising up towards the sky. I let go. I let go of the excuses, the fears, the hatred and all the pain. I let go of myself and all I can do is fall, fall, fall into that blissful oblivion, to a place where he'll be waiting for me, to a place where I'll never be lonely again.

3…2…1…there are those screams I was waiting for and they do resound in my ears.

_I'll live no future_

_I've lived no past _

I live this day 

_As my last _

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**A/N: **Well? Review.


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